I haven’t blogged for a long time. It’s been four months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mind, emotions and body have been to the moon and back several times. I have experienced mental terror and physical pain, as well as experiencing tremendous peace and an unfathomable joy and closeness to my maker. Summing it up, I have been all over the map…sometimes in the course of an hour!
And though no official blog has been posted, I have journaled privately and tearfully for months. I have penned the real stuff a woman feels when her breast is cut up and her mind is collecting fear. I have also penned God’ words to me along the path of this journey, this sacred journey of following HIM, no matter what.
During this time I have received much love and support–a humbling amount, an embarassing amount…and I have appreciated every thought, word, card, flower and gift. It’s impossible to thank everyone for the part each piece of encouragement has played in my daily journey of learning to TRUST God in a new way.
So for today, as I go about the business of healing after the radiation treatments, I found myself in my normal morning spot, coffee next to me, Bible open, and tears uncontrollably making their way down my tired cheeks. I haven’t slept much the past two days. Pain that has increased since radiation has stopped has kept me up tossing, turning and burning. As I apply lotions and potions to my body, I hardly recognize one part of me. The part that nursed babies and satisfied my husband. I wonder endlessly during the night how it will heal, because I am told it will. I wonder in the quietness of the night if the cancer will return, because I know it can. And, as I wonder and silently cry I turn my eyes upon something greater. A door of hope begins to peek it’s light into my mind. The hope is not based on things resolving like I want them to, but it’s much greater than that. The hope is based on the plan and goodness of God in the middle of this current trouble.
” So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isa 41:10
Have I forgotten the righteous hand of God? Do these words of hope sound vague and cliche to this seasoned believers mind? Can I dare to look up with tear stained cheeks and ask God to have His way in the middle of this “cup”? In the middle of this season of pain?
If I can’t, then I guess I haven’t learned to trust. If I struggle and wrestle to get there, it’s ok. I’m human and He knows my frame. But if I dismiss this door of hope, I have dismissed the truth of how big God is and how He is an ever present help in any of our troubles.
So I wake up to a new day and ask God to make His words of hope and promises of holding me…living truth to my mind. I then begin to reframe how I am feeling. I begin to repeat the Scriptural truth slowly, quietly and prayerfully. I write it down on a 3 by 5 card. I will repeat it many times today. ” God is with me, He is my God, He will help me, He is strengthening me, He is holding me and what’s left of my cut and burned boob….He is good, always. Life is hard, but He is with me.” In just a few minutes of reflecting on truth, I begin to lift, the door of hope opens wider, my emotions settle down and I feel the tension release. All is well, because I am held by God.
Where are you today? Do you need to turn back the page to believe more fully again? Has life hit you where it hurts? Is it easier to do things yourself than to trust a God you can not see in the middle of your problem?
I know. He knows. And, I know this too….He is waiting, bidding you and me to come close, to trust more, to experience the breath of heaven in the heat of earth’s battle. Will you join me in coming closer, closer, closer to the God who made us and knows our every need.
Enough for today…..I’ve enjoyed blogging again after four of the hardest months I have ever walked through. God is good, all the time!
I’d be honored to pray for you.