“Of course you’ll encounter trouble, But behold a God of power who can take any evil and turn it into a door of hope.” Catherine Marshall
I haven’t blogged for a long time. It’s been four months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mind, emotions and body have been to the moon and back several times. I have experienced mental terror and physical pain, as well as experiencing tremendous peace and an unfathomable joy and closeness to my maker. Summing it up, I have been all over the map…sometimes in the course of an hour!
And though no official blog has been posted, I have journaled privately and tearfully for months. I have penned the real stuff a woman feels when her breast is cut up and her mind is collecting fear. I have also penned God’ words to me along the path of this journey, this sacred journey of following HIM, no matter what.
During this time I have received much love and support–a humbling amount, an embarassing amount…and I have appreciated every thought, word, card, flower and gift. It’s impossible to thank everyone for the part each piece of encouragement has played in my daily journey of learning to TRUST God in a new way.
So for today, as I go about the business of healing after the radiation treatments, I found myself in my normal morning spot, coffee next to me, Bible open, and tears uncontrollably making their way down my tired cheeks. I haven’t slept much the past two days. Pain that has increased since radiation has stopped has kept me up tossing, turning and burning. As I apply lotions and potions to my body, I hardly recognize one part of me. The part that nursed babies and satisfied my husband. I wonder endlessly during the night how it will heal, because I am told it will. I wonder in the quietness of the night if the cancer will return, because I know it can. And, as I wonder and silently cry I turn my eyes upon something greater. A door of hope begins to peek it’s light into my mind. The hope is not based on things resolving like I want them to, but it’s much greater than that. The hope is based on the plan and goodness of God in the middle of this current trouble.
” So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isa 41:10
Have I forgotten the righteous hand of God? Do these words of hope sound vague and cliche to this seasoned believers mind? Can I dare to look up with tear stained cheeks and ask God to have His way in the middle of this “cup”? In the middle of this season of pain?
If I can’t, then I guess I haven’t learned to trust. If I struggle and wrestle to get there, it’s ok. I’m human and He knows my frame. But if I dismiss this door of hope, I have dismissed the truth of how big God is and how He is an ever present help in any of our troubles.
So I wake up to a new day and ask God to make His words of hope and promises of holding me…living truth to my mind. I then begin to reframe how I am feeling. I begin to repeat the Scriptural truth slowly, quietly and prayerfully. I write it down on a 3 by 5 card. I will repeat it many times today. ” God is with me, He is my God, He will help me, He is strengthening me, He is holding me and what’s left of my cut and burned boob….He is good, always. Life is hard, but He is with me.” In just a few minutes of reflecting on truth, I begin to lift, the door of hope opens wider, my emotions settle down and I feel the tension release. All is well, because I am held by God.
Still today, I will have to remind myself, speak truth to myself, and remember over and over again. Each time I dare to focus on truth, more hope makes it’s way into my being.
Where are you today? Do you need to turn back the page to believe more fully again? Has life hit you where it hurts? Is it easier to do things yourself than to trust a God you can not see in the middle of your problem?
I know. He knows. And, I know this too….He is waiting, bidding you and me to come close, to trust more, to experience the breath of heaven in the heat of earth’s battle. Will you join me in coming closer, closer, closer to the God who made us and knows our every need.
Enough for today…..I’ve enjoyed blogging again after four of the hardest months I have ever walked through. God is good, all the time!
I’d be honored to pray for you.
grateful,
Debbie
Thanks Debbie for your Transparency. I haven’t checked your blog in several months. Today I thought I’d check in. I’m blessed that I did. I needed the reminder of the God’s door of hope. He loves us so much. You remind me to lay my thoughts, pain, hopes and prayers at the feet of Jesus. I love the reminder that he is “bidding” us closer. How beautiful that is. Be blessed, continue to heal, our prayers are with you.
Where am I today? I am feeling lost in knowing how to help my teenage daughter…..that feeling of intense helplessness. That feeling of trying so hard and failing so continuously. I’m scared by the darkness that surrounds her. I want to reach in and pull her out but I can’t, no matter how hard I try. What I learned from you Debbie, is that we ARE helpless by ourselves. We need God and He’s there for us in hard times and He loves us through every struggle. We aren’t alone. I am inspired and deeply touched by your strength, honesty, endurance, vulnerability and your unwavering focus on God. Your strength inspires me to be strong. I see how you handle this hard time and even in your darkest hour, you look up. Thanks for sharing your heart. It makes a difference and it’s so very encouraging.
Thanx Debbie for sharing this blog. I was just diagnosed with DCIS breast cancer about a month and a half ago…had lumpectomy two weeks ago, and just today was tattooed for radiation. It is so nice to gain comfort and inspiration for what you have written…ironically, just yesterday, I started reading Deeper again. I pray God continues to heal you mentally, physically and spiritually. God is still in control and loves you! Thanx again for being so open, honest, and inspiring.
I am glad that I found your blog! I am so happy that I had the pleasure of listening to you this last weekend. You have blessed me, as well as others, and I am so grateful for your words. I am praying for you, and hope that you are relieved of your pain soon. ?
Hi Debbie,
Thanks for such a raw and real glimpse into your heart during this trial. Yes, God is with you, and yes, it’s obvious that He loves you so much and is carrying you…and that is AMAZING and a GIFT. Your hope and daily trust is the inspiration for others…and you’ll be stronger for it. But I hope and pray that you are done with this soon…and you’re feeling better physically. HUGS!! 🙂
Love you. I know it’s hard. It does get better, I promise. I have found we are much more lovely with our scars.
Debbie needless to say I dearly love you. I am so blessed to be able to call you my wife and my best friend. As I was reading your blog I was once again remind of your deep passionate love for our God. I have witnessed day by day just how difficult this journey has been for you. More importantly I have witnessed the incredible trust and love you have for God. Even in the most painful moments of this journey you have never wavered in your desire that God be glorified. We have repeatedly witnessed the loving support of friends, family and people we hardly know. Throughout God has walked this journey with us and has already used this difficult season to bless others and to deepen our faith. As your husband I would have gladly taken this cup if given the opportunity. I hope you have felt loved and supported by me even through there were times when you shared that you felt like you were walking the journey alone. You are an amazing woman loved by an amazing God. You are beautiful inside and out. I know because I have witnessed it daily for 23 beautiful years.
Many times over the years you have said that something has to happen to us for something to happen in us. Neither of us would have ever chosen cancer as that something, but I trust as the months go by we will more fully understand God’s plan. Blessings my sweet wife.
Very well-written Debbie, and an INCREDIBLE statement of faith and trust in God!:)
What an incredible and indelible mark on God’s people you two have left in light of this recent storm. Unwavering, ever increasing and expanding; your faith has changed the way others see earthly challenges. This beautiful friendship, covenant and passion for Christ between You and Ray; has interwoven God’s promises, strength and peace for both your lives and has created such a power-full testimony to so many about navigating WITH God and alongside His Word. You’ve showed how parterning with Christ is our only vehicle to victory. Our individual trailheads are all so different, but we must have our focus directed on each step, consciously taken with His desire in the forefront of our minds. You two have taken those steps through many rough trails and you used the same powerful, simple, protocol: Jesus…. The WAY THE TRUTH THE LIGHT. I’m proud to know you both.
You are bathed in prayers of the faithful continuously…….I know you KNOW. Precious Ray, I love the way you LOVE my dear friend……God always knew about you……That you would take our Beautiful, exhausted,rejected, depressed and anointed Debbie and make her yours. Between the Lord God’s word and love, And your love, she is a deeply rooted and well watered tree, that blesses us with her shade and God given wisdom….. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Uhhhhh, not sure about that name…….but I wrote that comment. heehee
Debbie, He hasn’t brought us out this far to take us back again. I thank you for your pure honesty, yet you absolutely gives God the glory.
Debbie I know there’s gotta be another new book coming from this and I can’t wait to read it! You are an amazing woman in Christ.
Hi Debbie, I’m currently doing your “He is My Life” study and am being so blessed by it, and the Holy Spirit is using it to transform my heart in such a life changing way. Your gift of teaching has given us so much, and my prayer for you is that our Lord Jesus will return blessings to you in full according to His promise of Luke 6:38. I pray that Jehovah Rapha, The Lord our Healer, will continue to keep you in His healing care.????
Thank you Marcia!
Debbie – Thank you for sharing this journey you are going on. It speaks of Hope – God’s Hope, and that’s what we need to cling to during times like these. A few months ago, God spoke to my heart about starting a Cancer Prayer Support Group at our church. We have now been meeting for six months. It’s called H.O.P.E. – Helping Others through Prayer and Encouragement. I am going to print this blog and read it to our group at our next meeting. It will be such an encouragement to them. Thanks again. You will be in my prayers.
Carrol – Bethel Church – Sarnia, Ontario, Canada