When stuck between love and hate

I don’t understand how life and relationships get so messed up. Regularly I talk to people who are holding on tightly to past hurts, bitterness towards others and deep feelings of misunderstanding. Like me, in these times, they feel frustrated and unable to figure out what to do next.

Waking up one night at 2 am, I knew God must be wanting to speak something to my soul. Wide awake and listening in the still of the night, my mind was drawn to something elementary and simple. The words, humble yourself and repent, came to my mind repeatedly. I knew instantly where God was going with me.

For months I had been stuck. I spoke forgiveness but had trouble really letting offenders go. I agonized over wrongs done to me. I grieved over being stuck between love and hate, hurt and fear, loss and pain. Could it be that what God was requiring of me was to do business with him? And, if that was so, how should I approach him, when I really felt like I was the victim in a bad set of circumstances?

He led me to:

Hebrews 4:14-16

There fore, since we have a great hight priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive grace and mercy in our time of need.”

• He has sympathy for me in my situation, in my weakness, in my sin.
• He wants me to approach him with the places I am stuck, confidently knowing that I will receive from him.

After that He lead me to ask forgiveness for any and everything on my side of the equation, including not trusting Him completely, and most especially for the victim mentality. This took waiting and time.

One by one things came to mind…repent,  Pictures of things that took place filled in the memory….repent. All the times I pointed the finger…repent. Even though I was hurt, I still didn’t trust God with the hurt thus not handling it well….repent. At the end of many confessions. I asked God to speak to me. I needed to know he had heard my prayers and the cry of my heart to be right before him.

I heard that still small heart nudge: Go to Psalm 32.

I waited, is that you Lord? Psalm 32, Psalm 32…..( I had no idea what was in that Psalm)

imagine my delight when I found this:

“Blessed is he whose trangressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him….When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I aknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ” I will confess my transgressions to the Lord and you forgave the guilt of my sin. You are my hiding place…you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Could it be that God just wants us to humble ourselves before him so we can finally:

• stop pointing our finger at others
• acknowledge our part or our heart in each situation
• lay out our side of the story to him instead of repeating it to others

Could it be that when we are silent towards God, not bringing things to him, that our strength is sapped? Silence towards God is often just keeping ourselves busy, trying to move on and not deal with the heart of the matter. So, in the end it does catch up with us…indigestion, headaches, sleeplessness, bitterness, and even depression and hopelessness. Could it be that the wrestling of soul is his hand heavy upon us…calling us to stop everything and come to Him?

If you are stuck in a relational or circumstanial rut and don’t know what to do…Run straight into the arms of Jesus. He cares, he understands human hurt and weaknesses. Though he understands He calls us to come to him with our transgressions. When you honestly don’t know what you have done wrong…sit before him and wait on him. Let the silence be uncomfortable if it must, but wait until he begins to show you.

We are not victims unless we make ourselves victims. We may have been hurt, may have gotten stuck in hurt, and may have wasted time. Don’t waste another moment. Run into his arms and receive deliverance from the Victor!

Finally back to Psalm 32:

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.”

What to do next? The promise is, He will instruct us in our next steps. We must stay close, listen for his voice, be attentive to His word.
Make it a regular practice to come to the Lord. Keep an open dialogue of humility and repentance with him. Receive forgiveness for past mistakes, but be sensitive to God’s Spirit in acknowledging new ones and running straight to Jesus. Let’s not wait for a crisis to happen to force us to come to him again. Let’s come, daily, hourly….

Lean not on your own understanding. Are we there yet? Nope! But we are growing and learning.

Praising Him,

Debbie